1. Talk entirely too quickly or incredibly too slowly
If you can keep your audience either exceptionally frustrated or exceedingly frazzled they will eventually just punch out and catch some zzzzzzzzs.
2. Be sure to read from your notes
You’ve been taught to memorize them, but you’re going to need to re-train yourself to have any hope of earning that Guinness World Record for the most people spontaneously napping. If you can make it through your whole presentation without looking up even once to make eye contact, you are on the right track. This is a great way to get the audience sawing logs. See also #10.
3. Tell bad jokes
Nothing will make your listeners want to enter a self-induced coma more than a really bad joke. Don't just make a predictable lawyer joke; be sure to offend or underwhelm as many people in the audience as you can manage. We recommend jokes with at least three people walking into a bar as sure fire snooze fests.
4. Say "um" as much as possible
At first glance this may seem to be a retread of rule #1 but there is a fine distinction. If you merely give your presentation slowly there is an outside chance that someone will care enough to pay attention while simultaneously pulling their hair out. To ensure the sand man makes his visit, put fillers between your pauses so that your content is hopelessly disjointed. "Um," "uh," "so," "like," and "you know" are ideal for this type of stalling and repetition. We recommend you avoid using “like” if your presentation location is anywhere near a valley in California. The attendees won’t even notice.
5. Ignore questions or don't answer them directly
You prepared your speech well and probably already answered their question, but as their neighbor was snoring mightily, they didn't catch it. Ignore them completely and they will surely give up and zone out. If you feel tempted to address them, remember your goal and vow not to give in. Nothing creates an immediate REM cycle better than zero interaction.
6. Don't do any research
Your past speeches have always been precise and interesting, because you have done a lot of research. This is a clear no-no. In order to really put the ooze in snooze, use case examples from at least 20 years ago and whatever you do, don't update your last set of presentation notes. New information has been definitively linked to alertness.
7. Walk constantly and use excessive hand gestures
Now this may seem counter-intuitive but bear with us. Have you ever seen a child’s mobile? This is the same principle in action. Constant and repetitive motion will lull even the most interested attendee into a head bobbing stupor. You have to really sell it though as unlike infants your audience can drink coffee. Walk from end to end, swaying whenever you pause, and gesture like a dancer from Lion King. Constant, consistent motion is key.
8. Rely on PowerPoint as much as possible
You definitely don't want to actually explain the information to your listeners because no matter how sonorous your voice may be, rapidly flashing pictures are always more stupefying than speech. Make sure to put at least 100 words on each slide and flip through them rapidly without discussing them. If anyone asks you to repeat a point or review a slide, simply ignore them (see Rule #5).
9. Use lots of jargon and acronyms
You are speaking to a diverse yet specialized group of professionals, some of whom may be new to their field, so be sure to keep your audience confused. Even use abbreviations as if you are texting your audience; what better way to get the audience to mentally check out than by speaking as if you are texting a buddy.
10. Above all, make your speech as boring as possible
No further instruction needed here. After all, this is a continuing education seminar; who really wants to stay awake for it, right?
Sorry we couldn’t help you become the next Tony Robbins, but if you follow our simple tricks you can excel at failure and that’s at least something, right?